matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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