I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
