Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
