While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just had sex on a roof
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
