last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
