I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
