i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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