Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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