3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
