Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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