My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
