its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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