I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
