see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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