i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
