i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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