ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
