I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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