My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
