he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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