Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
