I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
