I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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