chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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