You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
