i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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