I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
