Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize