Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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