Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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