I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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