you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize