That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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