mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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