she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Your dad touched me again.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
