things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
