I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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