the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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