I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
