so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
