eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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