we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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