he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
