I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
