Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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