wakey wakey hands off snakey
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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