i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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