I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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