you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
