oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
