Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
