Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
