Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
