Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
