FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
