hotel room ftw
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
