I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
