just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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