I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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